I’ll be honest. It’s taken be a bit to get over the hump of writing this first post. Maybe it’s a motivation issue…
It’s been a strange few months for me. Treading water in the middle of the ocean, I’ve never been so stagnant in my life. Maybe it’s because of the waiting game I’m stuck in. All I can say is: This. Fucking. Sucks.
Lost somewhere between the repetitive deliverances of “Keep-your-science-GPA-up” and the usual “Submit-your-applications-early,” they fail to bring up how excruciating this waiting period is. It drains you; drowns you as you become submerged in fear, doubt, and anxiety. It sucks the very soul out of you until all you have left to identify you is the shell you call your body and your name.
There’s only so many times you can ask yourself the questions: “Am I good enough?”,”Is this what I really want?” and “Will my parents still love me?” before you ultimately reach the conclusion that the answer for all three is a resounding “NO!” It becomes a test of character, of endurance, a struggle for your own sanity. Or maybe I’m just doing it to myself.
When I wrote the above paragraphs, I was having a bad string of days, filled with my own string of disappointments. I wrote it on Thursday, and here I am on Sunday, at my favorite local coffee shop, drinking the same basic bitch drink (an americano) that I always drink, eating the same pseudo-sophisticated snack (pistachio biscotti) that I always eat. This morning “The Coffee House” is filled with the stereotypical Sunday-afternoon gatherers: You have the elderly women’s knitting club, the group of teachers that constantly bitch about the little shits that they have to babysit, the middle-aged housewives whose lives revolve around gossip and whatever insignificant BS that trouble their lives, and that one guy who comes in to do work, but procrastinates by writing whatever flows through his mind. Oh wait, that guy is me.
My motivation is waning, My mood swings are out here swangin’ (Drizzy voice), and I really have nothing else to do besides go with the ebbs and flows of life. I have everything and nothing. I get myself down over first-world problems, and become elated by first-world pleasures. I don’t mean to sound profoundly inspired. I’m not even feeling it right now, but I do know not to sweat the petty stuff and to not pet the sweaty stuff. Bad joke, I know, but I gotta end this post somehow.
So I welcome you. Welcome to the post that’s been in the waiting for months, but I was just way too lazy to finish. Welcome to my not-so-frequent posts. Welcome to my rants, my realizations, and my ramblings.
I’ve finally done it. The end of the beginning. Hopefully, I’m able to make these interactions more frequent and intimate. Peace, and much love to ya.